NIHON-NO SEDERU

Nothin’ can be warma
Than to be on Fujiyama
For a Seder...

They say that Life imitates Art. And I can tell you, they’re right. (Whoever “they” are.)

Years ago - it was April 1990 - I was riding the Silver Aerial Bus from New York to Tokyo, heading out on a Bidnis Trip.

New York-Tokyo flights are lengthy affairs, chewing up about thirteen hours of elapsed time. To keep the passengers from getting too restive, the airline graciously shows a couple of movies.

On this particular flight, the first movie was Family Business, a 1989 comedy in which Sean Connery, Dustin Hoffman, and Matthew Broderick play a grandfather, son, and grandson, all involved in the Family Business: thievery. Hilarity ensues.

The characters are Jewish; the movie opens with a scene at a Passover seder meal.

I had already seen the movie, and was resigning myself to two hours of boredom and/or naptime, when I had an inspiration: Why not listen to the movie’s Japanese soundtrack?

I was curious to hear what a seder would sound like in Japanese...and my curiosity was answered almost immediately, as the familiar words of the Four Questions wafted through my headset. But this time, they sounded a little different:

“Ma nishtana ha-raira ha-zeh mikol ha-reirot?”

Yep: Hebrew with a Japanese accent!

Looks like this year, I’ll get to experience a Japanese Passover seder for real. Elder Daughter and I will be there for the first half of the eight-day holiday...which means I will need to pack some matzoh and kosher wine. Sake and sushi, good as they are, are not the building blocks with which one may construct a seder meal.

Yes, they say that Life imitates Art...and in this case, they may very well be right. Can’t wait to find out.

FAT TUESDAY

Also known as Mardi Gras around these parts.

In Christian tradition, Mardi Gras is the last day before the 40-day Lenten season kicks off with Ash Wednesday. In the days when rich foods were forbidden during Lent - stuff like eggs, butter, and meat - Mardi Gras was the Last Big Hurrah for serious protein meals. Carnivals - literally, “Goodbye, Meat” were a popular feature of the day...and still are in some places. New Orleans and Rio de Janeiro spring immediately to mind.

This year, thanks to Easter falling early in the civil calendar, Mardi Gras is also early. Easter arrives on March 23 this year, at least, as celebrated by adherents to Western Christianity. (Eastern Christians will wait until April 27: five weeks later.) That’s the second-earliest possible date for the holiday, and Easter will not fall this early again until 2160.

Easter, a Moveable Feast (one not tied to the civil calendar) owes its peculiar timing to (who else?) the Jews. For the last days of Jesus coincided with the beginning of Passover, the Jewish spring festival. Originally, Easter was celebrated on the 14th day of the Jewish month Nisan, the eve of Passover, and Jesus’s redemptive death on the cross eventually came to be viewed as corresponding to the sacrifice of the Paschal lamb in Biblical times. “Paschal” derives from the Hebrew word Pesach (Passover), and most of the names for Easter reflect this origin (Pascha, Pâques, Paskha, Paaske, Pasen, Pääsiäinen, Paskah, Cáisc, Pasqua, Paisken, Påske, Páscoa, Pasti, Càisg, Påsk, Pasg, Pascua, e.g.)

But as the Church diverged from its Jewish origins and came to be dominated by Gentiles, there arose a desire to always celebrate Easter on a Sunday; moreover, there was a growing sentiment to sever the old ties between Easter and Passover. And thus, the Council of Nicaea came up with the current rule, which goes approximately like this: Easter falls on the Sunday after the first full moon that falls on or after March 21. (Since the Eastern churches follow the Julian, rather than the Gregorian, calendar, their calculations often give a different result.)

Most of the time, Easter and Passover fall close together, but not always. This year, Easter is unusually early...but Passover begins almost a month later, owing to this being a Jewish Leap Year in which an entire extra month is added. It’s a necessity when trying to keep seasonal observances from floating around the calendar.

This year’s early Easter brings with it its own set of problems. Because Saint Patrick’s Day (March 17) falls during Holy Week - the week preceding Easter - this year, ecclesiastical authorities in places like Boston and Savannah will have to decide whether to allow the popular celebrational excesses of Saint Patty’s Day to take place during what should be a semi-penitiential period...or move it up a few days in order to avoid the issue.

My money is on an early Saint Patty’s Day.

Happy Fat Tuesday to all my Christian friends. Eat, drink, and be merry...for tomorrow begins Lent.

LOST IN THE CHEESE AISLE (REDUX)

Good news: My most recent show on Radio Sandy Springs is now available for you to download.

Well it’s good news for some of you, anyway.

Bad news for groundhogs, though, who will not appreciate the fact that the show includes a segment on how to prepare Groundhogs in Onion Sauce.

The next show will be Sunday at 4 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.

CROWNING ACHIEVEMENT

Most of the time, my thrice-annual forays to the dentist are pretty unexceptional.

I go in, and the hygienist scrapes the four-month accumulation of crap off my choppers. It’s a mostly innocuous procedure, except for when she gets out the Cavitron, that ultrasonic thingie that makes your entire brain resonate with the happy sound of nails on a chalkboard.

I hate the fucking Cavitron.

When the hygienist is done with the Chalkboard ’n’ Nail Device and I’ve released my vise-like grip on the side of the Adjustable Dental Chair, it’s time for a thorough flossing, followed by a session with the Sandblast Machine. This latter implement blows a baking soda and salt mixture onto the surface of the teeth at about Mach 3, bringing the enamel surface - whatever is left of it at this point - to a high polish.

Only now - now that my teeth are clean and spotless - does Mister Doctor Dentist come in to probe my teeth with Pointy Metal Implements. And generally speaking, that’s all there is to it. It’s rare for me to have a cavity, so aside from having to have the occasional random Root-Planing, I just go home and wait for my next cleaning.

But not this time.

At my last appointment, the Crown Restoration hammer got dropped on me.

It seems that my left maxillary first molar has been on the Watch List for some time now. It’s riddled with a patchwork of old fillings: some amalgam, some plastic composite, and all heading in the direction of FUBAR. Throw in some gumline erosion on the labial surface, and you’ve got a tooth that is practically crying out for a crown.

I have two crowns already (both the right and left mandibular first molars) so I know (so to speak) the drill. You sit patiently in the chair as they take an impression of your tooth. Then the dentist shoots you full of Novocaine and sands off the outer surfaces of the tooth, leaving a nice, smooth peg-shaped core. Another impression, and then a temporary plastic crown is fitted into place, to be replaced in a couple of weeks by the permanent porcelain-jacketed gold restoration.

My guy is smooth. I couldn’t even feel that huge-ass needle go in, and there was no discomfort whatsoever during the procedure...except for that of having to keep my mouth open wide. And while it’s no fun listening to that drill resonate through the Skull-Bone, at least it’s not like that scene in Marathon Man in which Laurence Olivier perforates Dustin Hoffman’s teeth without the benefit of anesthesia. Oy.

On the whole, this whole procedure was less painful than a teeth-cleaning (albeit more lengthy, and hellaciously more expensive).

So: how did you spend your afternoon?

STRANGE REQUEST: A 100-WORD STORY

It took just one tranquilizer dart to knock it down. She wrestled its slick, wet body back to the car, hoping she could get the job done before it woke up.

She would use the laundry room sink, she decided. The bathroom sink was too small.

It was a struggle to get it into the house. Still unconscious: good. Those teeth looked dangerous, and that broad, flat tail looked like it could deliver a mean slap.

She applied the shaving cream and got to work, snapping a fresh blade into the razor.

“Sometimes men make the strangest requests,” she thought.

[You can listen to the podcasted version of this story here.]

SUBSTITUTION

Take a short story - a modern science fiction classic - by a talented author.

Select a single word from said story. Substitute a different word for it. Do the exact same thing every time that first word occurs.

You now have a new, completely perverse version of a story that was perverse enough (in its own way) to begin with.

Now, go see what Kevin Kim has gone and done to Terry Bisson’s “They’re Made Out Of Meat.”

FROM THE ELISSON ARCHIVE

SWMBO’s Printer’s Case o’ Tchotchkes.

The Missus likes to collect Useless Little Things. Tchotchkes. And this Printer’s Case is a perfect way to show them off. It hangs on the wall of our family room.

Figuring significantly in this collection is the Missus’s pile of Wade Whimsies, miniature porcelain figurines in the form of characters from nursery rhymes. But there’s other cool crap too - like those little bottles of Dr Pepper and Tabasco sauce.

Now, if I can only figure out what to do with my collection of Shrunken Heads...

LOST IN THE CHEESE AISLE

My show today on Radio Sandy Springs will be mainly devoted to a discussion of Groundhog Day. Perhaps I’ll even share a Groundhog Recipe.

The show is at 4 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, but today I’ll be recording it early so the station’s engineering staff can go home early to watch the interminable pre-game shows. It is, after all, Stupid-Bowl Sunday.

You can catch the show on 1620 AM, but only if you’re smack-dab in the heart of Sandy Springs. However, if you have a computer (you do have a computer, don’t you?), you can listen to live streaming audio at www.radiosandysprings.com.

Eventually, the techies will get around to posting the show archives, so check the Radio Sandy Springs site often. Because you have plenty of time to waste, don’t you? I mean, here you are, surfing the ’Net and reading blogs...

Speaking of radio shows, Steve H. Graham, the twisted genius behind Hog on Ice, has a show Sundays at 7 p.m. EST and most weekdays at noon on nowlive. The show, Code Blue Cooking, is largely devoted to Steve’s incredibly-good-tasting-but-bad-for-you recipes. Learn how to make the best pizza you’ll ever put in your mouth...or how to make a Real Steak.

Steve is the author of the soon-to-be-released Eat All You Want and Die Like A Man: The World’s Unhealthiest Cookbook, a cookbook for Manly Men with a death wish. I own an earlier edition of the book, and it’s not only hysterically funny, it’s chock-full of recipes that will stop your heart. Bacon grease figures prominently as an ingredient in many of the dishes...including the Belgian Waffles.

MORONUS TELEPHONICUS

Gary gets a call on his cell phone the other day. He answers it, and the following brief conversation takes place:

“Hello, is Kayla there?”

“No, you have the wrong number.”

“Oh. Is Abby there?”

“You still have the wrong number.”

BEWARE...

...the deadly Yogurt-Cat!

GROUNDHOG DAY, YET AGAIN

How much ground could a groundhog hog if a groundhog could hog ground?

Find out by reading my annual Groundhog Day post, a post so tiresome and overused that I will merely link to it rather than put up the whole damn thing. Enjoy!

ANTIQUE: A 100-WORD STORY

A few cycles ago, I was glimming the morning Speedtext, where I saw the most intriguing ad:

PORTABLE INFORMATION STORAGE SYSTEM

requires no batteries, stores images or alphanumeric characters with equal ease. Data retrieval uses principle of SELECTIVE REFLECTION™ in conjunction with electromagnetic radiation source (not included). Access any part of your database with simple manual operation! Available preprogrammed with large variety of software.

Store below 451°F.

I had to have one! I scanned my credichip and waited for the transmuter to zoop it.

It was a “book.” I was mesmerized. What primitive beauty!

The “pen” and “ink” come tomorrow.

SOMETHING NEW

As if my bloated blogroll needed any more links, I’ve added a freshly-birthed Online Journal, one that was recommended to me by the Mistress of Sarcasm.

It’s entitled “Anti-Affirmations,” a title that gives only the vaguest hint of the snarkelicious content, written by one Elizabeth Young. A Savannahian, no less.

Elizabeth, if you ever wonder what prompted me to link you up, consider this: You had me at “pubic bone.”

GO FISH

To him that makes the Jesus Fish,
I have but one most heartfelt wish.
The love for God you have inside -
You’ve plastered it upon your Ride,
Where it’s exposed to Muddy Splatter.
(Such treatment for the Things that Matter!)
The Ass-End of your dumpy Ford
Declareth that you love the Lord.
Methinks you’d show God more respect
Were you a tad more circumspect:
The heart that goeth “thumpa-thumpa”
Should not be worn upon your Bumpa.

FRIDAY RANDOM TEN

It’s Friday: time once again for Blog d’Elisson’s Friday Random Ten, the weekly list of ten Choons spewed out at random by the Little White Choon-Box d’Elisson.

This past week has been exceptionally pleasant, owing to the presence of the Mistress of Sarcasm, who blew into town for a four-day visit. All too brief, alas.

Elder Daughter, meanwhile, has busily been making plans for our Japan trip. It’ll be in mid-April, presenting me with a rare opportunity to celebrate the Passover holiday in Asia. I’m already trying to figure out whether sake can be used for the required four cups of wine at the Seder. [I suspect not.]

So: What’s on the box today? Let’s just take a look, shall we?

1. Big Swifty - Frank Zappa
   
   From the jazzy Waka/Jawaka album, released in 1972.
   
   
2. You Won’t See Me - The Beatles
   
   
3. Democracy Is A Flawed Theory - Doug Stanhope
   
   
4. Levine Mit Zayn Flying Machine - Charles Cohan
   
   A song immortalizing the (mostly forgotten) saga of Charlie Levine, the first transatlantic air passenger. He and pilot Clarence Chamberlin flew from New York to Eisleben, Germany in June of 1927 - 300 miles farther than Charles Lindbergh’s record-setting flight three weeks earlier. Interestingly, Levine almost sold Lindbergh the Wright Bellanca monoplane that he (Levine) ended up using to make the crossing...but negotiations were derailed when Levine insisted on retaining the right to decide who would actually fly the plane. Lindbergh ended up having Ryan Aircraft build the Spirit of St. Louis for him; the rest, as they say, is history.
   
   
5. Red Shoes - Elvis Costello
   
   
6. Brazil - Chick Corea and Béla Fleck
   
   
7. Mozart: Requiem in D-Minor - Herbert von Karajan
   
   
8. The Wall - Little Jonathan
   
   
9. M (Instrumental) - J. Ralph
   
   
10. Muffin Man - Frank Zappa
    
    

It’s Friday. What are you listening to?

FUZZY FRIDAY (FEBRUARY)

Our Groundhog Friend’s dramatic look
Tells us his Day is almost here.
But not to worry, Groundhog Friend:
There really is but naught to fear.
The Modulator’s steady hand
Upon the Helmsman’s sturdy Wheel
Will guide the Friday Ark home safe.
It is, we say, the “Real Deal.”

Friday Ark #176 has set sail at the Modulator.

This Sunday, Carnival of the Cats arrives at the Bloggy Doorstep of When Cats Attack! Body armor is, as always, recommended.

Update: CotC #203 is up.

THE SMILING MONKEY

The other day I passed the zoo,
And thought, “Whatever shall I do?
Buy a ticket? Go inside?
See the hippo’s mouth so wide?”

Thus with ticket firm in hand,
Entered I in Jungle-Land,
There to take a walk and see
The primitive menagerie.

I came alone, without my spouse,
And headed for the Monkey House
To see our Primate Cousins play,
And hear the things they had to say.

But when I’d got there, and gone in,
A monkey with an evil grin
Affrighted me. Up stood my hair
When fixed with his demonic glare!

“O, Monk! Withdraw thy gaze from me!
Did something I did say or see
Create the rictus on your face -
Or do you hate the Human Race?”

This moved the Monkey not one bit.
Instead, he took a piece of shit
And flung it at me, baseball style,
Still smiling that demonic smile.

I ran ’til I was out of breath.
I’m haunted now by thoughts of Death,
Thanks to the Grinning Monkey-Curse.
I doubt that things could be much worse.

There’s but one Ape can cast a spell
That’s stronger than a Baboon’s Smell,
Whose grin strikes fear in all of us:
The dread Rhesus Sardonicus.

[Image credit: Velociworld, of course. It’s a frickin’ monkey.]

GROUNDHOG DAY APPROACHETH

Groundhog Day is only two days away. The excitement on people’s faces is almost palpable.

I don’t know about you, but I’m almost relieved when it’s finally over.

First of all, the relentless hype has really killed a lot of the joy for me. It used to be, you didn’t hear Groundhog Day music in every frickin’ retail establishment in the world - at least, not until right after New Year’s Day, when the holiday season “officially” begins. Not any more. Now, Groundhog Carols are the order of the day, 24/7, starting right after Thanksgiving. It’s relentless.

The malls are packed with people doing their last-minute shopping for Groundhog Day gifts, and post offices burn the midnight oil to keep up with the volume of packages and Groundhog Greeting cards. And it’s almost a given in the retail business that 60% of their business is done in the weeks leading up to Christmas; most of the remaining 40% comes from Groundhog Day. A successful ’Hog Season often means the difference between success and failure for small businesses.

That, of course, means hype. Advertising. A constant barrage of TV ads. Postal workers straining under mailbags laden with massive Groundhog Day catalogs.

And then there are the decorations. It seems that everybody is constantly trying to outdo the Joneses, putting up ever-more-elaborate displays. Lights by the megawatt, inflatable groundhog lairs...sometimes it makes me yearn for a simpler time, a time when every family dug a simple hole in the front yard, and Dad was content with a handmade cardboard top hat.

Now, don’t get the wrong idea. I’m hardly a Groundhog-Scrooge. I love this time of year as much as anybody. Holiday parties, the special seasonal foods, Hog Nog - it’s all good. But sometimes I worry that the real meaning of the day has gotten lost amidst all the hoopla.

After all, isn’t the holiday supposed to be about Phil?

Not Phil as we see him today, surrounded by handlers and media flacks. Just Phil, the simple woodland creature, on a mission from God to predict the weather. His message is one of peace and dignity, one that is immune from the cares of the everyday world. Global warming? Kyoto? Photo ops? News reporters? Pfaugh. Punxsutawney Phil cares not for these things.

They are merely temporal - and temporary. But the light of Phil’s love is eternal.

Put the Ground back in Groundhog Day! And may your Groundhog Day be sweet.

80 FILLUMS

Here’s a complete waste of time, courtesy of Oddybobo. It’s a Movie Meme.

The rules are simple: Copy the list of movies below and mark off the ones you’ve seen. Add ’em up, and include the number in your post title. How easy is that?

I’ve highlighted the ones I’ve seen in boldface. Feel free to do the same.

Rocky Horror Picture Show
Grease
Pirates of the Caribbean
Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
Boondock Saints
Fight Club
Starsky and Hutch
Neverending Story
Blazing Saddles
Universal Soldier
Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
Along Came Polly
Deep Impact
King Pin
Never Been Kissed
Meet The Parents
Meet the Fockers
Eight Crazy Nights
Joe Dirt
King Kong (1933)
King Kong (1976)
King Kong (2005)

Total so far: 14

A Cinderella Story
The Terminal
The Lizzie McGuire Movie
Passport to Paris
Dumb & Dumber
Dumber & Dumberer (filmed right here in May-Retta!)
Final Destination
Final Destination 2
Final Destination 3
Halloween
The Ring
The Ring 2
Surviving X-Mas
Flubber

Total so far: 17

Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
Practical Magic
Chicago
Ghost Ship
From Hell
Hellboy
Secret Window
I Am Sam
The Whole Nine Yards
The Whole Ten Yards

Total so far: 19

The Day After Tomorrow
Child’s Play
Seed of Chucky
Bride of Chucky
Ten Things I Hate About You
Just Married
Gothika
Nightmare on Elm Street
Sixteen Candles
Remember the Titans
Coach Carter
The Grudge
The Grudge 2
The Mask
Son Of The Mask

Total so far: 21

Bad Boys
Bad Boys 2
Joy Ride
Lucky Number Slevin
Ocean’s Eleven
Ocean’s Twelve
Bourne Identity
Bourne Supremacy
Lone Star
Bedazzled
Predator (featuring two - count ’em! - future governors!)
Predator II
The Fog
Ice Age
Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
Curious George

Total so far: 26

Independence Day
Cujo
A Bronx Tale
Darkness Falls
Christine
ET
Children of the Corn
My Boss’s Daughter
Maid in Manhattan
War of the Worlds (1953)
War of the Worlds (2005)
Rush Hour
Rush Hour 2

Total so far: 34

Best Bet
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
She’s All That
Calendar Girls
Sideways
Mars Attacks!
Event Horizon
Ever After
The Wizard of Oz
Forrest Gump
Big Trouble in Little China
The Terminator
The Terminator 2
The Terminator 3

Total so far: 41

X-Men
X-2
X-3
Spider-Man
Spider-Man 2
Sky High
Jeepers Creepers
Jeepers Creepers 2
Catch Me If You Can
The Little Mermaid
Freaky Friday
Reign of Fire
The Skulls
Cruel Intentions
Cruel Intentions 2
The Hot Chick
Shrek
Shrek 2
Shrek 3

Total so far: 51
Swimfan
Miracle on 34th Street
Old School
The Notebook
K-PAX
Kippendorf’s Tribe
A Walk to Remember
Ice Castles
Boogeyman
The 40-Year-Old Virgin

Total so far: 56

Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Lord of the Rings: Return Of the King
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Total so far: 62

Baseketball
Hostel
Waiting for Guffman
House of 1000 Corpses
Devil’s Rejects
Elf
Highlander
Mothman Prophecies
American History X
Three

Total so Far: 63

The Jacket
Kung Fu Hustle
Shaolin Soccer
Night Watch
Monsters, Inc.
Titanic
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Shaun Of the Dead
Willard

Total so far: 66

High Tension
Club Dread
Hulk
Dawn Of the Dead
Hook
Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
28 days later
Orgazmo
Phantasm
Waterworld

Total so far: 69

Kill Bill, Volume 1
Kill Bill, Volume 2
Mortal Kombat
Wolf Creek
Kingdom of Heaven
The Hills Have Eyes
I Spit on Your Grave, AKA The Day of the Woman
The Last House on the Left
Re-Animator
Army of Darkness

Total so far: 69

Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope
Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back
Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi
Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace
Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones
Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith
Ewoks: Caravan Of Courage, AKA The Ewok Adventure
Ewoks: The Battle For Endor

Total so far: 75

The Matrix
The Matrix Reloaded
The Matrix Revolutions
Animatrix
Evil Dead
Evil Dead 2
Team America: World Police
Red Dragon
Silence of the Lambs
Hannibal

Final total: 80

“Supposedly, if you’ve seen over 85 movies, you have no life.” Well, either that, or you enjoy this peculiar excrescence of Popular Culture. I don’t know who concocted the list, but it’s as good as any Useless Random List of Pop Culture Ephemera...and, at least, I have a life.

Too bad I took some of the time I saved by not watching most of these movies and pissed it away writing this post.

(And, no, I’m not tagging anybody.)

WE ARE AMATEURS

By “we,” I refer to the Cadre of Crapbloggers with whom many of my Esteemed Readers are familiar: Velociman, Og, Kevin Kim, and the late, lamented Acidman. And me, of course.

Did I leave anyone out? [Laurence Simon may be So Full of Crap, His Eyes Are Brown™, but he rarely writes about it.]

Yes, we are amateurs.

Now, read a story by a professional. A medical professional.

And then consider: There are normally a couple of big differences between giving birth and taking a dump. You get to keep the baby...and the baby is much larger than your stool. But not always...

[Tip o’ th’ Elisson fedora to Leslie for the link.]