Saturday, November 27, 2004

FROM THE ELISSON FAMILY ARCHIVE

Kids grow up fast, so it seems.

Maybe it doesn’t seem – not when you’re juggling an armload of laundry, warming up strained peas, trying to nurse a sharp-toothed nine-month-old while keeping the spit towel adjusted just so. Schlepping the kids to soccer games, going to school open houses and PTSA meetings, those “impromptu” doctor’s visits…there are times when you think your kids will never grow up fast enough. But I’m here to tell you, it goes by in a mighty big hurry.

Back in the fall of 1981, when Elder Daughter was Only Daughter and we had just moved to Atlanta the first time, she was a mere two years old, an age when she could dance with her shadow in the street, or fit in a laundry basket for a ride down the stairs.


Elder Only Daughter - 1981. Posted by Hello

Twenty years later, she is a college graduate, getting ready to move overseas. On her own, independent, ready to conquer the world.

But in the picture below, she’s back in the exact same spot where she stood twenty years before, near our old house in the Atlanta ’burbs.

And she still can dance with her shadow.


Elder Daughter - 20 years later. Posted by Hello

Friday, November 26, 2004

MY LATEST RESTAURANT CONCEPT

Picture an expanse of parkland in Florida or Texas. You pay admission, and then you drive through the park in your own car – or you can rent Range-Rovers to get that safari feel – and you shoot wild game when it comes wandering up to check you out.

What kind of wild game? Oh, mostly cows. Maybe some lambs ’n’ deer ’n’ suchlike.

Uniformed functionaries take your kill to the Processing Center (conveniently located onsite) where they gut it, carve it up, and wrap it up in manageable portions. They can even cook it up for you right then and there if you want.

Now, what should I call this wonderful restaurant concept? Ah, I know…

Loin Country Safari.

DECONSTRUCTING THANKSGIVING

The Bakerina had made me an offer I couldn’t refuse: a Friday post-mortem of our respective Thanksgiving feasts. I’m holding up my end of the bargain with this post, written after enough time has elapsed so that excessive levels of l-tryptophan in my bloodstream will not cloud my thinking.

This year, we did a few things differently. We had purchased new china a few months back, in one of those little trips to Williams-Sonoma that got way out of control: instead of some cedar boards and seasoning for making planked salmon, we went home with three hundred bucks worth of heavy white porcelain. As Martha would say, “it’s a good thing.” Anyway, we elected to use this nice white dinnerware instead of our Fancy Shit from the China Cabinet. This saved an enormous amount of time in the clean-up phase that inevitably follows Gastric Packing Exercises.

Our table looked pretty spiffy, with a new red tablecloth and a beautiful floral centerpiece. The picture below shows things just before the arrival of the Mongol Hordes our friends. Snazzy, huh?


Chez Elisson, before the invasion of the Mongol Hordes festivities. Posted by Hello

We broke with tradition in yet another respect this year. Rather than horse all of the platters to the table and serve everything family-style, we set up a buffet line in the kitchen. That way, everyone could load his or her plate at leisure, without having to wait patiently for dishes to get passed. Much more efficient.

Now, to the menu items.

Once again, She Who Must Be Obeyed prepared her Maple-Roast Turkey, from a recipe originally published in Bon Appetit magazine twenty years ago, and which we’ve used many times since. The turkey is prepared by inserting mint and sage leaves under the skin of the breast and glazing with a mixture of maple syrup, butter, snipped chives, and minced ginger root. The results this year were superb.

We had two – count ’em! – two types of stuffing, both prepared ex ave. One, a traditional bread stuffing, was made with foccacia croutons enhanced with herbes de Provence, onions, celery, and my made-from-scratch 100-octane chicken stock. The second is a little less traditional: sweet Italian sausage, rice, toasted pine nuts, golden raisins, chopped parsley, and Parmesan. This year, we stepped out of the box a little bit and used turkey sausage and brown rice, small changes that will henceforth be incorporated into the Elisson Cooking Canon. The bread-based stuffing was pretty damn fine, as expected, with a flavor that shouted “Thanksgiving!” - but the brown rice stuffing kicked its ass around the block. It was just that good.

Especially when slathered with my Giblet Gravy. Yes, friends, this is one dish for which SWMBO hands the kitchen reins to me and lets me drive, for it involves Substances She Does Not Eat. Namely, giblets.

It’s basic stuff, really, although it sounds like a big pain in the ass. You take the giblets (minus the liver, which is sautéed separately), simmer them in water to cover, along with carrots, onion, celery, parsley stems, a clove or two of garlic, some whole peppercorns, and fresh thyme. After a couple of hours, you strain off the liquid (now a yummy stock) and mix in some roux (olive oil plus flour, stirred over med-high flame until it gradually turns the color of milk chocolate) to get the right consistency. You take the simmered meat and pull it apart (gotta get rid of the neck bones and gristle), then dice it up fine along with the sautéed liver, then add to the thickened stock. Stir in a splash of Cognac and simmer for about 20 minutes, then keep warm until serving. Yummers!

But wait, there’s more. An assortment of tiny potatoes – gold, red, and dark purple – halved, and roasted to a caramelized turn in olive oil and duck schmaltz, along with about a head’s worth of unpeeled garlic cloves and a handful of fresh rosemary. Butternut squash, split, with the deep orange flesh slathered with butter and honey, then roasted – recipe courtesy of the Mistress of Sarcasm her ownself! SWMBO’s carrot soufflé, a low-carb treat. Our friend Gary’s amazing sweet potato pudding, surprisingly non-cloying.

I can’t forget my Wilted Spinach Salad with Pine Nuts and Dried Currants. “My” is a misnomer – we got this recipe from SWMBO’s brother Aaron (a professional chef) and we love it all year ’round. Take a good-sized bowl of clean, dry baby spinach. Heat up some extra-virgin olive oil and throw in a liberal amount of chopped garlic. As soon as it’s hot enough to perfume the oil (but not brown the garlic), dump it on the spinach and toss until wilted. Throw in some dried currants and a liberal handful of toasted pine nuts, then toss with freshly grated Pecorino Romano. Sprinkle a little extra Romano on top before serving and you’ve got a spinach salad that will kill a vampire at twenty paces.

And – in a semi-appalling nod to American tradition – the Infamous Green Bean Casserole. Yes, you know which one I’m talking about. Canned green beans, canned cream of mushroom soup, canned fried onions. A rare example of the whole being greater than the sum of its (horrendous) parts, this is a dish that makes a statement. “Get down off your foodie-ass high horse and eat some of this.”

All of this washed down with copious amounts of Rex Goliath 47-Pound Rooster Merlot and chilled Peanut Grigio (a local Georgia wine), and you’ve got yourself a meal, laddie buck.

Desserts? Yeah, we had those, too. Our friend Laura Belle contributed two apple pies (one crumb, the other a gargantuan two-crust marvel) and a pumpkin pie, along with ice cream, schlag, and caramel sauce with which to decorate them. Plus some chewy chocolate brownies, if the pies were not enticement enough. We threw in a (store bought, I’ll confess it) chocolate silk pie.

Oy. Some nice hot coffee and a shot of Underberg bitters. Now…(urp) what’s fer breakfast?

MISS MATATA RELAXES, POST-THANKSGIVING

Yes, it’s Friday again, and that means it’s time to see what our kitties are up to. Earlier this week, we caught up on the other (former) denizens of Chez Elisson, and now Matata is demanding her time in the spotlight…


As soon as I get this stupid robe off, I’m going to kill you.Posted by Hello

Oh, yes – all that Thanksgiving cooking and preparation, such hard work... it’s all I can do to put on my fluffy chenille bathrobe and lounge around the house eating bon-bons all day to decompress. Gawd, I’m exhausted.

Beulah, peel me a turkey!

Thursday, November 25, 2004

A BRIEF DIGESTIVE INTERLUDE

But hark - a sound is stealing on my ear,
A soft and silvery sound - I know it well:
Its tinkling tells me that a time is near
Precious to me: it is the Dinner Bell.
O blessed Bell! Thou bringest beef and beer,
Thou bringest good things more than tongue may tell.
Seared is, of course, my heart - yet unsubdued
Is, and shall be, my appetite for food.

I go. Untaught and feeble is my pen,
But on one statement I may safely venture:
That few of our most highly gifted men
Have more appreciation of their trencher.
I go. One pound of British beef, and then,
What Mr. Swiveller called “a modest quencher”;
That, home-returning, I may “soothly say”:
“Fate cannot touch me: I have dined today.”

— C. S. Calverley

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

OÙ SONT LES BOIDS D’ANTAN?

Yes - where are those turkeys of yesteryear?

As we at Chez Elisson begin our preparations for Thanksgiving Day, I thought it would be nice to reminisce over one of our recent T-day menus. Especially since we just got the house painted and everything will probably end up tasting like Porter Eggshell Latex this year.

Anyway, here’s what we had two years ago, when we last hosted Thanksgiving Day festivities. Eat your heart out:
Maple Roast Turkey
Giblet Gravy, Brown Turkey Gravy

Cranberry-Orange Compote with Cointreau
Cranberry Sauce (Whole and Jellied)

Sausage-Rice Dressing with Golden Raisins and Pine Nuts
Focaccia Dressing with Herbes de Provence

Wilted Spinach Salad with Pine Nuts and Currants

Casserole des Haricots Verts à la mode de Chez Feinberg
(String Bean Casserole)

Sweet Potato Pudding “Gary”

Carrot Soufflé

Roasted Garlic Mashed Potatoes “Mort de Vampyr”

Fresh-Baked Cracked Wheat Bread

Apple and Pumpkin Pies à la Laura Belle
Blackberry and Chocolate Cream Pies

Coffee, Tea, Assorted Soft Drinks
Cordials and Digestifs

[Gastric Lavage Available Upon Request]

This year’s feast promises to be every bit as enjoyable. Elder Daughter will, alas, not be with us this year, but the Mistress of Sarcasm will grace our table. Add several close friends, and you have the recipe for a satisfying meal - and day.

We have a lot to be thankful for. Wonderful family, exemplary children, good-hearted friends. Health. Prosperity. Life.

Warmest Blog D'Elisson Thanksgiving wishes to all of my friends, family, loyal readers, occasional visitors - whoever the hell you are, I hope your holiday is “without limit to any good thing.” Enjoy!

CARNIVAL OF THE VANITIES - THANKSGIVING EDITION

This week’s Carnival of the Vanities has been posted at Interested-Participant. So: get interested, and participate!

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

FROM THE ELISSON FAMILY ARCHIVE

comes this 1977 photograph of She Who Must Be Obeyed in a romantic mood.


She Who Must Be Obeyed. Posted by Hello

And well she should be - because she is on her honeymoon with Yours Truly, enjoying the semi-exotic, quasi-European atmosphere of Québec. A few days in Montréal, a few days in Québec City (at the famous Château Front-’n’-Back) and it will be off to New York for our second wedding reception – this given by the ’Rents d’Elisson to accommodate those who were unable to voyage to Texas for the actual nuptials.

But that is several days off. Now, with carefree hearts, we sample the maple-syrup laden cuisine of the Deep North. Hambourgeois (Bifteck Hâché) avec les Petits Pois et Weird Brown Gravy! Iced tea with a solitary sliver of ice spinning slowly, slowly, on the surface of the lukewarm fluid in the glass.

And we sample the warm hospitality of a land deep in the throes of French Separatism. Cochon anglophone! We hear that a lot…I think it means “Have a Nice Day” or something. O Canada!

It’s twenty-seven years later, and I still see those rose petal lips when I wake up in the morning. I am a lucky bastard indeed.

DOVE E GIORGIO LUCA?

Proof positive that the Internet is a mighty strange place. Any lump of crap you lob out there is likely to get blown back in your face, sometimes in strangely mutated form.

Exhibit One: From Global News comes this little gem:
Formaggi Ispirati a Personaggi di Guerre Stellari
From: rosacrux@mail.com (keroppi) <-rispondi via e-mail
Newsgroups: it.hobby.umorismo,it.discussioni.folli

Queso-Gon Jinn

Jar Jar Brie

Darth Gouda

Bib Fontina

Asiaghin Skywalker

Robi-Olan Kenobi

Lando Camembrissian

Principessa Leiardammer

Grand Moff Tilsit

Jabba de'Hutvarti

Boba Feta

Holy crap - my own McSweeney’s list, come back to haunt me via Italy. I’ve italicized the items that were not on my original list of Cheeses Inspired by Star Wars Characters. Some of the others, of course, have been translated. Principessa! [Rosacrux was, incidentally, kind enough to give proper attribution.]

Exhibit Two: There is no Exhibit Two. How much of this crap do you really want to look at?

Wait’ll Laura Belle (Di Tri Berrese) gets a load of this...

GRAVITY, ELECTRICITY, AND STUPIDITY: UNEXPLAINED PHENOMENA

No, Mac and I have not done the Vulcan Mind-Meld - but it sure looked that way when I dropped by Pesky’Apostrophe today:
I almost wish I were in high school again, living in one of those crazy ass regions of the country where stickers warning that evolution is just a theory are put in science texts. I am so up for a little stealth vandalism.

Crazy ass regions of the country like, say, Cobb County? Home of Chez Elisson?

Anyway, Mac has figured out how to deal with those stupid-ass stickers that remind students that “evolution is a theory, not a fact.” The solution? Retaliate in kind, with our own stickers. Quoth Mac:
Here’s a favorite of mine:

This textbook contains material on gravity. Gravity is a theory, not a fact, regarding a force that cannot be directly seen. This material should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully, and critically considered.

I also like this one:

This book mentions Creationism, New Creationism, Scientific Creationism, or Intelligent Design. All of these beliefs rely on the action of a supernatural entity to explain life on earth. Scientists rejected supernatural explanations for life in the 1800’s, and still do today.

Mac concludes her screed with this comment:
Satanic theory isn’t taught in school, so why should anything pertaining to the Christian religion? You wanna learn religious stuff? Go to church.

I like Mac’s idea of slapping some stealth stickers into the local science texts so much, I just may print me up a couple thousand of ’em.

Of course, if they catch me, they’re likely to burn me at the stake.

IT WASN’T ALWAYS JUST KITTIES

at Chez Elisson. Let’s take a little ride in the Wayback Machine, shall we, Sherman?

Back in the Nervous Nineties, our home was host to more than just a couple of kitties. Thanks to the Mistress of Sarcasm (whose talent for sarcasm was still in its nascent state), we had the Spectrum o’ Mammal Sizes bracketed pretty well.

On the small mammal side, the Mistress had a succession of hamsters. The first, and sweetest of the bunch, was Leona Hamsley, pictured below.


The Mistress and Leona. Posted by Hello

After Leona had passed on to the Great Hamster Wheel in the Sky, she was succeeded by Cinnamon, who had originally been the classroom mascot for She Who Must Be Obeyed. Cinnamon was also a pleasant enough little creature, whose exciting life prior to joining the Chez Elisson Menagerie was immortalized in the Jamaican-style Funeral Dirge I composed on her demise:
Reggae fi Cinnamon

I and I had a hyamstah cyall Cinnamon
Him a little ball a fur but him lots a fun
Him eat deh seed, stuff it in him cheek
An wi datter clean deh cage every five or six week.

One time Cinnamon him get out a deh cage
And all Briarwood dem a shout anna rage
Dey find him two week later, him a hyappy buggah
Ca’ him livin like a king in deh sack a sugah.

REFRAIN:
I and I feelin’ sad today
Cyaz wi little hyamstah him go away.
I and I feelin’ bad today
On him wheel deh little hyamstah cyan no longer play.

Well, me heard it said, an’ me heard it told
Aftah two year a hyamstah him get mighty old.
When Jah say it time fi him life to end
I and I seh goodbye to wi fuzzy friend.

I and I feelin’ sad today
Cyaz wi little hyamstah him go away.
I and I feelin’ bad today
On him wheel deh little hyamstah cyan no longer play.

I and I feelin’ sad today
Cyaz wi little hyamstah him go away.
I and I feelin’ bad today
On him wheel deh little hyamstah cyan no longer play.

When Cinnamon moved on to the Hamster World to Come, her successor was Mocha, the most evil-tempered little piece of shit we ever had the misfortune to have live with us. After Mocha, we had had it with hamsters.

Enter Kisses, the bunny.


Kisses, the piss factory bunny. Posted by Hello

Kisses was a lovely pet, beloved of the Mistress. Bunnies are cute, and this one was no exception: good-natured and gentle. But there is a drawback to keeping a rabbit as a pet, rooted in Lapine Biology. A rabbit exists solely to convert water into prodigious quantities of Rabbit Piss.

And that piss be stanky and nasty. Cleaning the hutch required hours of scrubbing with wire brushes, followed by at least ten minutes of live steam. Not cleaning the hutch meant the Mistress’s room smelled of piss-saturated litter. Which it did anyway.

Nothing, however, compares, in sheer crap-generating capacity, to a horse. And we know this from first-hand experience.

Yes, we actually owned a horse – right up to a couple of years ago, when the Mistress became too enmeshed in college studies to keep him. His name was (and still is) Mi Anam, a magnificent Arabian that the Mistress her ownself trained from yearlinghood to compete in Hunter Pleasure classes. She showed her handsome gelding several times at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo, and we’ve got the pile of ribbons to prove it.


The Mistress canters Anam at the Houston Livestock Show, 1997. Posted by Hello

I suppose if we had wanted an animal that could generate yet more shit than that horse, we could have purchased ourselves a hippopotamus. Perhaps an elephant. But our rule always was Never Keep a Pet That Can Crush You To Jelly In a Random Fit of Pique. (The horse was just about on the edge of acceptability under this rule.)

Today, She Who Must Be Obeyed and I are (just about) empty nesters, not just with respect to our children, but with Other Mammals. Alas, now, it is just SWMBO, me, and our two kitties, Hakuna and Matata. They are the perfect pets: friendly, relatively nondestructive (although the furniture and carpets might disagree), and, most importantly, they crap in a box. What more could you ask for?

But the Mistress is coming home tomorrow to partake of the Great Gobbling Bird, and we are ecstatic, pet nostalgia notwithstanding. May your Thansgiving be as sweet!

Monday, November 22, 2004

JESUS, ELVIS, ’N’ ME

are all hanging out at Mark Hoback’s Virtual Occoquan. Issue Number 66 is online - come and pay us all a visit!

I EXPLAIN MY BLOGGITY ASS

I normally don’t have much truck with blogmemes, but this one is not too complicated, and it gives me a chance to answer some of the burning questions that you, Dear Reader, may have about me and Blog D’Elisson. Credit Where Credit Is Due: I snarfed this off of the ASB, who in turn ripped it off of The Muttering Muse.

How long have you had a blog?
I started this thing - my one and only blog effort - back in March 2002 and did not write Word One until July of this year. I guess I didn’t know what a blog was when I created my Blogger account, and the idea of Writing Shit Down Every Day was quite alien to me at the time. But since then, I’ve knocked out over 140 posts - over 54,000 words, a novel’s worth. Who knew?

Why did you become interested in blogging? What do you like about it?
Two things piqued my interest in blogging. The first was when I found some blogs through various Google searches (more about this here) and realized what this whole bloggy thing was all about. The second was the amazing degreee of interconnectedness I saw when I began making my first tentative forays around the Bloggysphere. That’s what really drives me: that sense of being connected.

What do you write about more: yourself or _insert subject here_ ?
I write about...whatever I feel like writing about at the moment. One day it might be political stuff, the next day about what I had for dinner (assuming I can remember what the hell it was). It may be family stuff, religion, random crap, comic strips, movies, music. It will generally not be deeply personal stuff - I don’t share everything that goes on in my twisted little mind - but you never know. She Who Must Be Obeyed is still horrified that I posted the story about our Weevil Chili.

If your blog has categories, which one do you post in most often?
My blog does not have categories, since I’m a cheapskate who uses Blogger. If I had categories, well, see my answer to the previous question.

What are 5 of your favorite blogs?
This one’s a toughie. I like pretty much everything on Blogroll D’Elisson, and I am planning (sometime soon) to write a lengthy exposition on what I like about every single one. But right off the bat, I'll tell you that I love Pesky’Apostrophe, Dooce, World O’Crap, Prepare To Meet Your Bakerina, and Where The Hell Was I? Don’t get your panties in a wad if you’re not one of the Chosen Five: there are at least ten more blogs that I have to get a daily dose of. Stinkin’ blogmeme...

Do you use an online alias on your blog?
Yes, I do, although it ain’t difficult to penetrate my thin disguise. Especially now that I’ve begun contributing to Virtual Occoquan. I call myself Steve Elisson in honor of my Dad. His name’s Eli, ergo: Eli’s Son.

Blog entry that has received the most comments:
Before...and After.” This was the post that I wrote for my first-time ever entry in the monthly Blogging for Books contest (hosted by The Zero Boss, another of my favorite blogs). It’s the only time something I wrote got more comments than the stupid cat pictures I post every week. Damn cats.

Tell us how you chose your blog title:
Well, you already know how I chose my alias. The blog title just seemed to work. In retrospect, I could have called it “AAAAAA Acme Blog by Steve” and it would have floated to the top of all them alphabetized blogrolls. Is it too late to change?

How do you feel about Google ads on personal blogs?
I don’t give a rat’s ass about how people choose to whore themselves out. If your site looks cluttered with ugly ads, it won’t stop me from reading it if the content’s good. I’ll just think your taste is all in your sigmoid colon.

The only ads I hatehatehate are the damned pop-ups that Blogger uses. Not an issue at home, but when I’m in the office (only during lunch!), it’s majorly annoying. Oh, but wait...I’m on Blogger. Shit.

Does anyone you know in *real life* know about your blog?
Several family members and a few friends know about (and even read) my blog. And they’re all wonderful people. All of them. All the time. Really.

2 words you use all the time in your posts:
You mean aside from “a” and ”the”? Or the dreaded F-bomb? Well, “crap” and “bloggity” come to mind, but there are plenty others.

Sunday, November 21, 2004

GET ON THE BUS

to visit this week’s Carnival of the Cats, kindly hosted by Leslie’s Omnibus.

Damn, they’s a lotta kitties out there!

THE SUNDAY FUNNIES

At the risk of causing Ivan (Thrilling Days of Yesteryear) to suffer a terminal attack of Olde Crappe Envy, I’m going to take a few minutes to show off some of the fine swag I scored a couple of weeks ago on eBay.

Vintage Sunday funnies! I love ’em for so many reasons.

First, back in the 1950’s and before, Sunday comic strips were printed full- or half-folio. None of today’s tiny-ass comic strips crammed eight to a page: these babies were big. The scans below had to be done piecemeal and assembled in Photoshop because the pages were too big for my scanner. This is a good thing (quoth Martha Stewart), mainly because it’s easier for us, er, ahhh…older folks to read the old-style, large strips. Not to mention that it’s easier to appreciate the artwork, which has much more detail. Today’s artists have to be mindful of the huge reduction ratios that the newspapers use, which means little or no chance to show off their fine draftsmanship.

This is one of the things that made Bill Watterson (“Calvin and Hobbes”) hang up his Hunter Crow-Quills. He hated the way his gorgeous pages were turned into Shrinky-Dinks by the newspapers.

Second, there’s that nostalgia factor. Who doesn’t like to re-experience that feeling of having a brand-new Sunday comics section spread out, ready to read? Looking at the same strips, we get that same feeling. I feel like I’m nine years old again, visiting the grandparents and opening the New York Daily Mirror to the Sunday funnies our paper at home didn’t have.

Anyway, for your delectation, here are a couple of golden oldies.

First up is this snippet from a 1934 “Dick Tracy” strip. Chester Gould already is a master at drawing weird-looking villains and constructing exciting stories, but his artwork hasn’t settled in to the hard-edged style that would characterize his work in later years.


Old-school Dick Tracy, 1934. Posted by Hello

This second Sunday strip – a half-page, just like the 1934 strip – shows Gould’s work in its more mature form. Tracy now has his famous 2-way wrist radio (later a wrist TV) – one little example of anticipated technology.


Dick Tracy, vintage 1950. Posted by Hello

So much for serious police drama. Now let’s get silly.

Bill Holman, creator of “Smokey Stover,” wrote what may have been the most crackpot comic strip ever to grace the Sunday funnies. A 1941-vintage example is shown below. Holman’s strip, for its time the equivalent of “Seinfeld” in terms of its contributions to the contemporary catchphrase lexicon, gave us such nutty expressions as “Foo,” “Notary Sojac,” and “1506 Nix Nix.” Look at the strip shown here and see if you can find all the visual and verbal puns.


Smokey Stover - sheer lunacy from 1941. Posted by Hello

It ain’t sophisticated humor – certainly no “Doonesbury” – but it’s funny. There’s nothing like it in any paper today. And that’s too damn bad.

Friday, November 19, 2004

PLEASE PASS THE TESTOSTERONE

OK, so I’m not sports-obsessed. I’ll go as far as to watch golf on TV, and maybe even go to a tournament once in a while. And I’ve been to the Masters twice – not just the practice rounds or the Par 3 thing they do, but the Real Thing. That is impressive, walking around at Augusta National, the Great Cathedral of the Church o’ Golf.

I don’t get excited about baseball, basketball, football, or hockey. College or pro, doesn’t matter. It’s just not on my radar screen. Does that make me weird? Maybe it does.

A couple of weeks ago, She Who Must Be Obeyed and I are over at the local Omaha Steaks emporium, burning a couple of gift certificates. Giving me free shit is about the only way you’ll ever get me into that place, the Palace of Massively Overpriced Meaty Protein. Hmmm, $50 for this pack of six (count ’em) Boeuf Burgers? $37 for this bottle of Rutabaga-Infused Extra-Virgin Walnut Oil? Throw it in the sack! We load up with meat and meat-related products and head for the door.

(Speaking of meat-related products, I do not recommend the Omaha Steaks Beef Jerky for Cats and Dogs. First, it has a picture of a Boston terrier on the package, so you feel like an asshole if you eat it yourself; and second, it made Matata puke all over the living room carpet.)

As we exit the shop, we pass an alcove by the front door where there is a little barbecue grill on display. It’s brown and ovoid, with tapered ends, just big enough for a couple of burgers or a single New York strip. And I remark to SWMBO, “Isn’t that interesting – an egg-shaped hibachi.”

And she says to me, she says: “Good Gawd, you really are a girl. That’s a football, ya feckin’ eejit.”

And, of course, it is. The white stripes and fake lacing are two more clues, which I somehow have managed to overlook. Damn.

Aw, shut up and eat your jerky, Captain Oblivious!

YOU KNOW YOU’RE GETTING OLDER...

...when you’re trying to locate a friend and, instead of calling up every bar in town, you start phoning the hospitals.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, ALREADY

Is it my imagination, or has the start of the Christmas season been slowly creeping back towards Hallowe’en?

It used to be that you wouldn’t see much (or anything) in the way of seasonal decorations, or hear much in the way of seasonal music, until immediately after Thanksgiving. “After” may be putting it a little too forcefully: Santa Claus always made his Ritual Appearance in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. This, to many people, was the starting gun for the Christmas season.

But the way things are going, I figure it’s only a matter of time before they start putting lights up right after Labor Day. Who knows just how far this can go? Tisha B’Av?

As a Jew, I don’t have to worry about all this Christmas business, aside from trying not to get sick of hearing the blasted music. Even our Gentile friends acknowledge that “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” starts grating after you hear it for the 1000th time.

But I can tell you, if we were running this holiday, we’d know when to start the festivities - and when not to. Let me refer you to a brilliant little piece of satire, Hilchos Xmas (“The Laws of Xmas”), written a few years ago by Akiva and Ilene Miller. Their premise is, what if Christmas were a Jewish holiday? How would it be observed?

First off, the Millers acknowledge that their premise is ridiculous. The central point of Christmas precludes it from ever being a Jewish holiday, and if you don’t understand why this is, e-mail me or leave a comment and I’ll be happy to give you a long-winded explanation of the obvious.

But there are so many aspects of how the holiday is celebrated - in America, particularly - that have become semi-secularized elements of popular culture, that you can see the potential for humor. Jewish observance is based on Jewish law, and the codification and interpretation of that law is flat-out complicated. Just imagine Talmudic scholars arguing over what sort of tree is acceptable for use as a Christmas tree, and this is what you get.

I won’t pull too many chunks out of the Millers’ magnum opus here (read it yourself!), but here’s one that is oh, so appropriate:
1. PREPARATIONS FOR XMAS MUST NOT BEGIN1 BEFORE2 THANKSGIVING.3 THIS APPLIES TO PREPARATIONS WHICH AFFECT THE HOLIDAY MOOD,4 BUT NOT THOSE WHICH ARE DONE IN PRIVATE.5

1 This contrasts sharply with Shabbos, for the mitzva of honoring Shabbos applies all week long. For example, if one finds a particularly good food during the week, one should save it for Shabbos even though it is now only Sunday and Shabbos is a week away. However, Xmas preparations may not begin too far in advance, in order to fulfill the dictum, “It’s beginning to look a lot like Xmas.”

2 This is because of the principle that two festive occasions should not be mixed into each other. Note the decree of the great R.H. Macy, who established that Santa Claus may not appear in the Thanksgiving Day parade until after all the other floats have passed.

3 There are some who begin preparing for Xmas as early as Halloween. This is wrong, and they will be called upon to account for their evil ways.

4 Such as setting up the Xmas tree (some say even buying one,) or playing holiday music on the Muzak.

5 Such as buying gifts or buying the Xmas dinner turkey. Cooking the turkey may not be done before Thanksgiving because it will appear to be a Thanksgiving turkey.

There’s lots more of this stuff. Unless you’ve got a nodding acquaintance with Jewish law, you may not find it funny. Personally, I think it’s hysterical, especially the parody of the Passover Haggadah at the end:
If we would have a beautiful tree, but not have stockings hanging from the fireplace, it would have been enough.
If we would have stockings hanging from the fireplace, but not get today off from work, it would have been enough.
If we would get today off from work, and not get off on Erev [N.B. - the evening before] Xmas as well, it would have been enough.
If we would get off on Erev Xmas as well, but not get presents, it would have been enough.
If we would get presents, but not a delicious dinner, it would have been enough.
If we would have a delicious dinner and no dessert, it would have been enough.
If we would have dessert, but not watch the football game, it would have been enough.
If we would watch the football game, but not see our team win, it would have been enough.
If we would see our team win, and have a hangover the next morning, it would have been enough.

(Pick up the eggnog and say:) But we do have a beautiful tree, and we have stockings hanging from the fireplace, and we got today off from work, and we got off on Erev Xmas as well, and we got presents, a delicious dinner, and dessert, and we watched the football game, and saw our team win, and so we will now toast our team, and pray that we do not get a hangover tomorrow morning: “Yay team!”

As for me, I’ll just go and turn on the radio now. Maybe they’ll be playing something...non-seasonal.

BREAKFAST IN BED? NO! CATS IN BED.


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She Who Must Be Obeyed enjoys blissful repose, accompanied by her faithful attendants, Hakuna and Matata.

Kitties... beating the crap out of the average comforter since 1995.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

PEOPLE ARE FULL OF SURPRISES

I had lunch with Gravel-Voice Larry today, which was unusual.

What was unusual was the fact that it was lunch. I have breakfast with Larry almost every weekday. That is, the weekdays when I am in town and not off on some traveling errand on behalf of the Great Corporate Salt Mine. We both go to the shul and daven Shacharit [that’d be “go to synagogue and offer the daily morning worship service,” for all y’all Gentile-type folks out there], after which we repair to the Local Bagel Emporium for our Toroidal Sustenance [That’d be “bagels,” for all y’all non-doubletalking mathematician-type folks out there]. After a pleasant morning meal (often involving Smoked Fish), it’s off to the GCSM to slag the day away.

But today Larry was trying to find an excuse to not go home after one of his late-morning classes, and I was looking for a way to skeeve off work long enough to run by the shul office and pick up some committee-related crap for the Missus. So lunch it was.

Larry is a tall, tough-looking guy with a gravelly voice – the kind of voice that is extremely effective in such endeavors as bill collecting. One phone call from him, and deadbeats will sell their kidneys to avoid getting an actual in-person visit. Scary. I can only imagine what he was like back in the day, working as a cop in Miami. Some of the stories are pretty...interesting.

Underneath Larry’s crusty exterior lurks an equally crusty interior the heart of a Talmudic scholar. So it never fails to surprise me whenever he gets a phone call on his new cellular phone – as he did at lunch. It’s the ringtone, you see.

How many observant Jews have phones that play Wagner’s “The Ride of the Valkyries”?