A VISIT WITH THE MISTRESS

This weekend She Who Must Be Obeyed and I ran down to Savannah to spend the weekend with the Mistress of Sarcasm. As dutiful and loving parents, we take seriously our obligations to Wave the Familial Flag, Feed the Daughter at the Local Eateries, and Stock the Daughter’s Pantry. All of these we accomplished.

The more time we spend in Savannah, the more appreciation we have for John Berendt, who was fascinated enough with the place to write a best-selling book about it. It’s the little things we enjoy discovering:

The Falafel Place with the Vile-Tempered Fishwife in the Kitchen

We grabbed lunch Saurday with the Mistress and a couple of her friends at a little, unassuming hole-in-the-wall Middle Eastern restaurant. The waiter-cum-proprietor, a pleasant enough fellow who reminded me of Borat, took our orders. SWMBO ordered chicken souvlaki, and the waiter thoughtfully took the time to establish whether she wanted the sandwich or platter version. We were therefore surprised when a gyros plate arrived.

Now, SWMBO won’t eat gyros, mainly because the meat May Possibly Contain a Molecule or More of Lamb. And, besides, she had ordered the chcken souvlaki. The waiter seemed to have forgotten this, but just about the time he started getting argumentative, I reminded him about the discussion we had had around the souvlaki: sandwich or plate? This must have convinced him, because he said, “OK” and went back to the kitchen.

Whereupon the most amazing stream of invective came from the woman who had heretofore been hiding in the kitchen. We can only speculate as to what she was shouting. Possibly the Farsi or Arabic equivalent of
“Dammittohellyoustupidsonofabitch
Can’tyouevergetanorderstraight
Ishouldchopyourspleenintopieces
andserveittotheseAmericanrubes
withsomepitabreadscrewthemandyou
bothtogethershitcrapdammit.”

Okay, then.

Crabbyland

Most pet stores offer a fairly run-of-the-mill assortment of companion animals: dogs, cats, birds, reptiles, fish, etc. etc. And for most people, that’s just fine. But Crabbyland (yes, that’s the real name of this place) is for all those people for whom Amazing Sea-Monkeys were just…not enough. Imagine, then, a horde of Sea-Monkeys on steroids, and you’d have Crabbyland, whose stock-in-trade consists of hermit crabs.

I know what you’re thinking. “Hermit crabs! The perfect pet! Cuddly, sweet, affectionate, and mild of disposition! Can I have one? Please please please?” Get a grip, folks. They’re just a bunch of fucking crabs.

What’s worse, the proprietors of Crabbyland (And what do you do for a living, sir? Why, I am the proprietor of Crabbyland, Savannah’s finest purveyor of reclusive aquatic arthropods!) have seen fit to provide these pitiful creatures with decorative shells. Shells adorned with everything from the Flag of Brazil to the Hairy Dawgs of UGA. Sheesh.

If I had to live in one of those things, I’d be a hermit, too.

Copsicles

Savannah is one of those places where the police patrol, not on foot, not in squad cars, but on bicycles. Thus: copsicles. Sounds a lot like a science-fictional term invented by Larry Niven to describe people whose bodies are frozen in the hope of future resurrection – corpsicles. And these cops did look kinda science-fictiony in their Kevlar vests and impact resistant helmets.

Copsicles.

Anyway, we had a short but enjoyable visit. A late dinner Friday at a Thai-Vietnamese place in the Historic District. Killer pho. Saturday lunch with the Venomous Fishwife (see above). Dinner Saturday night at a little Cuban place with wonderful tropical fruit juices and a churrazco steak that I would be perfectly happy to eat every night for a month. And Sunday brunch - granola and coffee - at The Sentient Bean, accompanied by the Mistress’s roommate.

[How Jewish is that, to use meals as milestones to mark our progress through the weekend! Jackie Mason would be proud.]

Now SWMBO and I are back home, getting ready to watch the Presidential debate, which we had thoughtfully TiVo’ed (now there’s a 21st century verb for you.)

Oh, boy, is this gonna be fun.